This strikes me as so strange! I think youre right in general, although I dont find items 2 and 3 problematic at all. I don't know, you tell me. The person is clearly saying something bigoted or 2. Im sure to him thats bewildering, but to me its bewildering that for so long he simply refused to choose to behave with appropriate respect. But, in the long run, in my life, I think the conflict over emotional labor and fair division of chores, while sometimes painful and frustrating, was something we were able to move past when I moved out because I never felt unsafe. (This one is so trite that it takes a few moments for the humor to sink in.) OK, you want to ASK if hell help you w/ your home maintenance, fine, but these are not HIS chores anymore. I would think that if one is up to the point of having to plan food, one would have also issued a direct invitation? It doesnt sound like a lot of fun to me, though. Its just small talk! I thought why do you ask? meant you are being nosy. Lets get together. But you have never issued a direct invitation to me in your life. 4. Interesting. I think the ideas people are getting at is that sometimes people want to reject an invitation not because they have plans but because they dont want to attend. The LW is getting socially trapped, and needs a selection of answers that are vague while also claiming her right to her time. It is a question that can be answered or echoed and nobody minds too much. So the next time your phone rings you will be prepared. Id be open to a one-on-one hangout but just out of energy for any group thing, if thats why youre asking laundryall the laundry. Any event. I might be up for casual after work hangs but not going clubbing in that sketchy bar across town. I wish people could just say I want to do (thing) do you want to do (thing) with me?, All I can tell ya is what I have been doing for years: Then you can do x with/for me! just blatantly assuming that if you are free, then you will obviously want to do this thing. I use the phrase same old stuff! In this situation. Unless someone asked me, "What are you doing this weekend?". THIS. This breaks the meaningless exchange of localized variations in air pressure aspect of the typical greeting, and most people seem to respond favorably to having good things introduced into a conversation. Then they use your answer to decide if you're the sort of person who gets to join their clan and engage in merriment and shenanigans on a regular basis. Find an answer. (Im looking at you, mom, and you too, aunt.). Give small truths. It makes you feel like whatever you do, you are expected to conform to being othered. I, personally, like to ask what are you doing this weekend, something fun? when small-talking with my co-workers and friends, and I also hate this question with a passion when its a step to an actual invitation (two very different things!). Your parent or in-law will not die if they cant railroad your schedule. Aunt: Are you doing anything this weekend? Me: Nope. If anyone else runs into this, Im not free on Saturday, so Ill see you some other time! is a perfectly polite and respectful response. I have done that just doing errands/washing the car/housekeeping/taxes/library/walking the dog you? and still gotten a but are you doing anything FUN follow-up question(s). Although I have one co-worker who apparently does laundry on weekdays sometimes. Your family is going to judge you for any serious answer you give anyway, so you might as well beat them to the criticism. I saved up enough to move out. Which is why weve all learned to use our words, though it takes some learning and there are still occasional misunderstandings. It sort of came to a head last week when I was on the toilet, and the kid came to the door, and my kid answered the door, and the conversation was like Thats my go-to when someone asks me what I am doing at some point in the near future. The thing about she is family, and I expect family to do X is: Who decides what is necessary, when is it necessary, and who needs to do it? "You know I can do this anytime.". It might help to keep in mind that for most people, the question is pretty innocuous. Certain relatives. Baking a cake. I hear you. Just because at that one time it wasnt true doesnt mean that her reaction was irrational. ' If you ' re studying, doing homework or anything else you deem daunting, this is a great text to send your crush. 2. And LW is already handling the situation in the best possible way by giving noncommittal answers. We also told our children when they were growing up that they could use us as an excuse any time they felt pressured or uncomfortable saying no for themselves. Its okay that my body needs time to recuperate. I will probably just need some time to unwind, perhaps to watch the Winter Olympics with my cat.. For those who are ready to stand out from the crowd, we've gathered ten hilarious out of office messages that will inspire you to raise the bar the next time you sit down to write an autoresponder. As such, I like to preface it with taking care of some stuff. Although it can be asked in the ways LW talks about too, usually for me it is just a way of sharing life with friends and doesnt have much motivation beyond that. I like to respond with Doing nothing. They know this. I think you nailed it with that last bit, to an epic degree. No other adult would be here. To be honest, not good. Oh my god I have to go to (thing) which is (plaaaaace). I also think that most of the people I hang out with get this, and with the exception of more formal plans, would agree. to add: I think if there are people youre close to who do this a lot, like your sister, you can just tell them its a small thing but it bugs you and can they please ask a different way. Thats kind of taking it 4 out of context to say they dont understand. And then both go on to other things. In every group Ive been in it is socially acceptable and expected that you can say youre busy for whatever reason you want. Which for neurotypical types, is something that may not be hard to adapt to, but youre kind of being set up to failbecause that kind of question is exactly the kind of thing you would have been taught to do in kindergarten. parents of adult children pull this exact same rude little stunt, I am the parent of an adult child who is living at home, and I have been training myself since her teenhood to say, I would like to claim some of your time this weekend or I would like to ask a favor for this weekend, if youre available. or would you help me with X instead of are you busy? (OK, sometimes Ill say, Are you busy? #1078: Sooooooowhat are you doing thisweekend?, Follow CaptainAwkward.com on WordPress.com. Read also. For small talk, I like to ask questions where the answer can be simple. Ive had a fear of seeming bossy or overbearing, but Ive found in the past few years that people really seem to appreciate someone getting the ball rolling. Since the question what are you doing this weekend? has, like, 18 possible meanings, many of which *can* involve power plays, it just breaks my brain. I just want to jump in to point out that the medium of communication also matters! It feels like a lot of just Use Your Words advice is setting people up for a shock when they realize that their coworkers or acquaintances are offput by it. That's why this is one of the funny responses to "what are you going to do with your life" that you should keep in mind. With friends and family you can be more honest if you like, but you dont have to. @mangosteeen, I would pay money to see Nosy Tellers face if you were to tell him you were flying to the moon some weekend! New day, old me, just doing routine stuff. If you want! For acquaintances, the way you do in Sweden will also work in the US. LW, this struck me as a pretty extreme response. Its okay to say you are within your rights to do these things anyway, because you are. We teach children that they must answer questions put to them by adults, that they have no choice in the matter. What are you up to? There are at least two distinct why do you ask? which are sadly distinguished only by tone. How should I respond? I have only one person who does this, my widowed FIL, and it irritates me no end. This is about the blandest, most banal small talk question I can think of.). It doesnt actually mean how are you? in the same way that goodbye does not actually mean God be with you. What it means is, I acknowledge you, fellow human being. In some ways, its helpful to think of it not as a phrase but as a pair of words: how-are-you, fine-thanks-and-you. TootsNYC, why do you feel entitled to some of her time because shes a member of your family? hours of 8 p.m. and 1 a.m. on Friday and Saturday because it will make you seem like you don't have anything better to do on the weekend. Nothing much? and Im like yup and get back to work.) I feel like its somewhat related to not saying no also). But when asking, I still tend to ask in layers so the other person has many outs to either say no or express no. And partly because, depending on exactly what one wants and what cost one is willing to pay, challenging the culture is how it gets changed. Dont ask each of us the same question. Or is it more like she doesnt get involved into such decisions but you expect her to follow through and water your radishes? If I have to treat her like a grownup, and not like my minor child that I can boss around, she can fucking treat ME like a grownup, and not like her mommy that she takes for granted. I guess turning down invites is probably just a point of stress for me though, because people have historically gotten annoyed at me for being busy and turning down their invites, when its just like Please find out if Im actually available first so you dont take it personally that I cant hang this weekend?. That! and she looked really pissed off, and I worried that maybe it sounded like I was looking for an excuse, any excuse, to get out of whatever she was proposing. Catching up on sleep, doing chores, spending time with my partner. If you want to push them to just say why they want to know, ask. Its just that nobody expects a stranger or lesser known acquaintance to actually want to answer the question literally. Thank you! LW, if it makes you feel any better, when many people ask this question, they arent doing it to trap you into something (though some are, of course). If I have no specific plans, she thinks my time is hers (but you said you were doing nothing! and she likes to be like cousin in example 3, re her children doing lots of stuff for her because thats what good kids are supposed to do (and if were not performing like good kids, then shes a bad mother ~guilt guilt~) and she doesnt like to ask directly* so it often comes across as manipulative or passive-aggressive). My mum likes to do similar things, trying to out me on the spot and pressure me to agree to things when Im on the phone to her. Its essentially part of, or an alternative to, hello. To pretend that it wont have a cost societally. Can you do me a favor? Its totally true that you can opt out of those things. Copyright 2011 thru 2023 Jennifer Peepas, all rights reserved. Sorry friends, but bears, Zombies, whateverwe're gonna have to leave you behind. COME TO LOOSE PLAN HANGOUT THING THAT IM INVOLVED IN OR ELSE YOU MIGHT SHRIVEL AND DIE! and they had the best intentions. We can debate all day whether that should be true, but it is. Sometimes your lover or friend may forget to send you a morning text. This is how I feel too. Good luck! The cousin wanting a servant. Everyone knows most people mean it well, its small talk, etc but these things ARE not nice to be the receiver of. I am on the spectrum, so I would anxiety-spiral about whether, once again, I missed a basic social skill everyone else learned in kindergarten. Plus they have the freedom to say Nah, cant on Saturday, but Im free Friday or whatever. I dont think she feels disliked; theres really not a lot of conflict for us. For a cashier: Great, how are you? just because they are probably required to ask as part of their job. The fact that LW is this bugged about it shows theres a problem and the parent is being manipulative. My friends do it alllll the time. "I'm having a productive day.". DP: No free time at ALL? A party people pop quiz so to speak. Alternately, I am sleeping the whole weekend. I can deal with how are you, since that has an easy script for answering even if it took me a while to memorize it, and where are you from. If you can walk away from them, they're successful. not? It doesnt matter if those plans are eating candy while watching Netflix with no pants on, they technically are plans. a s h l e y. Photo: Funny Quotes. Ive had trouble with that one, too. So the reframing may help. Speaking about sudden change of moods and plans, and friends getting you: Several years ago, at the phone, ten minutes before a scheduled meeting with my friends in a pub to watch the incoming results of the Brexit referendum. Can you babysit for me? Oh, Im sorry, but Im visiting my in-laws that day. It can feel and be interpreted as quite awkward/rude/offensive/surprising to respond with just No, I dont want to or No, Im not up for that Of course it would be so much healthier if everyone we interact with had taken Captain Awkward 101: Accepting Refusals Gracefully, but the fact is, for many people its much more comfortable to offer an excuse to soften a no. But then theres her Im going to need you to be my helper for Christmas Day because Im getting older, and that doesnt seem so presumptuousits MY Christmas Day and MY extended family too. Shes moving and needs a van? Try these OOO messages to let people know you're taking a break. I might hang out with some friends on Sunday.

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