^ +1000, this was the most mind-boggling to me as well. But I suspect if I went for leisure, Id be bored out of my ever-loving mind. Granted, the event I was at was for a Fortune 100 company but in addition to the hotel security, they had private security and company reps everywhere. He never once demanded I not go, or made me miserable the whole length of my trip, just because hed be less anxious if I was home. I was thinking the same thing. And I do like some gambling. Vegas and Orlando are excellent places for corporate retreats because theyre relatively cheap to fly to and theyre set up for this kind of thing. Unless youre asking permission to uproot your familys life or something it just seems infantilizing. This is so far outside of normal that if I were in your shoes OP, I would be socking money away so that I could leave him, unless theres something youre not telling us that could possibly justify how he treats you. If his anxiety is more travel related than trust related, there may besome reasonable actions you can take together to smooth them out. I agree that the OP should not even consider not going on the trip. At work? It could be, but its tougher to stay up all night gambling and partying in the middle of the week in NY or SF. Regardless of whether the husband is trying to control you, or whether he is merely unable to overcome devastating anxiety, the effect is the same: You need to keep your job and live your life like a normal person, either so you can support him in recovering from this anxiety (pay for counseling, health insurance, treatment) or so you can escape what may very well be an abusive situation. Most of them suffer from anxiety and sensory issues so they think Vegas sounds terrible in practice. Has the OPs spouse ever even BEEN to Vegas? Of course shes going to say IM the one with a problem. It was a realllllly boring upbringing. My feeling is that hes coming up with post-facto, emotionally triggering justifications for something that has absolutely no basis in any rational apprehension of reality. We respect everyones right to express their thoughts and opinions as long as they remain respectful of other community members, and meet What to Expects Terms of Use. Even with the additional information. Dude she failed to mention that she hid pictures of her with mail strippers and lied about it and when I seen what pictures she showed me she dressed up better than she ever dresses at home. I also have a lot of real/not real conversations in my own head. And people are all I wouldnt let my wife go we have done bigger problems here. Either way, its important for both ofyou tocommunicate about such animportant issue sothat things dont escalate further than necessary. My mother is like this about my neighborhood because Im miles away from Philadelphia. She needs to act on whats happening, and then maybe delve into the why with AAMs excellent advice. What Anonymous Poster is describing is a learned skill that a therapist can teach mot people. No amount of marriage counseling will fix controlling. I use the word unstable because Im not diagnosing him with anything, but referring to what he is doing. Interestingly, prostitution is a county-by-county decision in Nevada. Perhaps this is exhibiting itself in more ways than just this instance, and if so, its especially something youll want to address head on and as a team. (Great people that I wish I could work with.no real role for me in what they do, though.). Los Vegas is known more for shows and EDM festivals than anything else these days. Do you want to go? I deal with those worries by making sure he has the tools he needs to accommodate those shortcomings, not by hobbling his life. And Im not talking rooms in crappy parts of town. I noticed that as well. Thats not out of reluctance to let either one out of their sights, but more because when they have the choice to be together, they will be together, and when its unavoidable, they make do as best they can. As someone with an anxiety disorder myself, I can understand the uncontrolled thoughts the husband is having. I dont think that would help the situation, however. Just stayed at a swanky suite in the Venetian with a view of the strip for $140/night. of course im very careful around others who drink and make it a point to be responsible and not get carried away, kwim? On every occasion, he made rules like I could never go anywhere alone and I had to call him at a specific time every day. Yes, but trailer park crimes are good, upstanding crimes like cooking meth and domestic violence, and obviously those crimes are less dangerous to bystanders than being attacked by a sex criminal just for walking down the street. Use of this site is subject to our terms of use and privacy policy. Answer (1 of 25): There could be a few reasons why a husband may not want to go out with his wife. If you leave it as a well go eventually and never book it, and also never talk about it, things are gonna get worse. This absolutely doesnt make the response of OPs husband right in any sense, but figuring out why they are feeling like this can be helpful and can help figure out where to go from there. There are many issues at play here. He is obviously in distress, and rational or not, that is a bigger problem than just whether OP should go on her business trip. The thing is, if you go there repeatedly the sheen really does wear off. One of mine once told me that his mom felt that I was being very unfair to him and was devastated that she wouldnt get to plan our wedding. I mean seriously? Most business conferences result in 3 days on location you probably wont leave the hotel. Its been 12 years for me. Yes some people are probably going to jump all over me but let's be realistic here. The main drag did not feel dangerous to me at all. Before you talk with your husband, try tounderstand why hedidnt want you there. You cant expect someone with a broken leg to ski down a mountain; you cant expect someone in an irrational state of fear to behave in a reasonable manner *in the moment*. He also accused her of sleeping with her boss constantly. Hopefully hes open to counseling/therapy, but if hes not, and he instead doubles down on not letting you travel (regardless of destination), I do think you need to consider an exit strategy. Thats even better than the Seinfeld episode where Georges girlfriend refuses to accept his decision to break up with her! If the OP is part of running the conference/event, yep, theyll be lucky to find the time for 8 hours sleep each night. I agree with the counseling suggestion. And dirt cheap which I am guessing is why so many business conferences are set at that location. My point was, shes hearing about friends opinions second-hand. For example, Fiance didnt want me to take night classes for my certification because the parking lot had a lot of trees and shrubs where predators could hideand there were a lot of guys taking these classes. But theres no need to snark at me for making/agreeing with a suggestion. Might need to go back. The next obvious thing is, we all get to be as irrational as we want. One learns to cope AT&T helps, also. If this is a regular occurrence, it could be indicative of a larger problem, such as marital strife. Ive never gone to a weddings and heard vows that included I promise to love, honor, cherish, and ask your permission before I leave the house. I lived in Ottawa, our nations capital and it all suburbs and boring. The businesspeople in Las Vegas want to make money. He thinks it's going to be too difficult. What the hell? His parents are awful. Just my two cents. I admit I am one of the omg WHAT commenters. Regardless of how we got here, its a problem that we as a couple are facing because of how Im viewing things. Hed probably drive her nuts the entire trip monitoring when she comes and goes, trying to veto business dinners with her colleagues, calling her if shes a minute later than she said shed beAnd if youre working the conference, its exhausting and theres not really a lot of time to explore. Even if you dont get fired or demoted, youre showing that you arent reliable to do normal business things, and youre missing out on opportunities to grow your career and to network etc. Alison doesnt usually change letter writers words, so I think itll probably stand as is. Im reminded of when my flying phobia was at its worst, and I was going to take a flight on Friday the 13th. Frankly, there are very few cities that can handle massive conferences and Vegas may be the only option for the OPs company. To me, that means childish. Yeah, this. If I had to plan something like this myself, itd be at the top of my list for a lot of very practical reasons. OP, I agree with the advice you dont have to choose between your marriage and your job if you dont want to. Ive felt less safe in a couple of places in my own city. People women, even! Some couples like a lot of separate space between them, others dont. There are opportunities everywhere for illicit behavior, even at home. Hello thanks for the comment but I do work I manage over 400 rental properties and Im a professional gardener for a estate. Yeah, my cousin isnt allowed to travel without her husband. Chances are the same thing would have happened in New York or San Francisco or wherever. If it was possible to take him along I could see that potentially helping if the main issue is wrong information and assumptions. My husband nearly had to go to Vegas for a conference a couple of months ago (were in the UK so its pretty far!) And absolutely do not let his anxiety limit your life. I think this is a little parochial, in fact. Is this the one about the rationalist who refused to pick up broken glass? Should I never go anywhere? Spiking drinks, assault, kidnapping happen in tiny places as well as large places. When all youre seeing is airports, shuttle buses, the hotel, and a conference room, everything kind of looks the same. Vegas is a perfectly lovely city where people raise families and everything!! But leave out the reasons, the excuses, the justifications and the emotions, as far as you can. He even did it the one time I was staying *in a convent*. You know, because theyd been there for the last year and had witnessed all of it and hadnt just heard his side of the story through his rose-tinted glasses. I knew a woman who was very sincerely pious and churchgoing and lived her Christian values. I wouldnt be surprised if it were like 2 people. we can all agree that either way, Husband isnt likely to change his behaviour without some outside intervention, so I do hope that counselling is an option for them. However, Im not sure if this is the crux of the LWs issue since her husband clearly said that he has a problem with the what happens in Vegas stays in Vegas mentality. Couples counseling is also useful for people with issues that make them disposed to try to please and/or look from approval from their therapist. I cant imagine getting upset because he went on a business trip. I think (I hope!) There are tons of families and people who live in Vegas or visit Vegas and do pretty normal things. Its tough but definitely not impossible. I suppose OP knows her own husband best, theres a chance inviting him along would be an offer of Good Faith to show that theres really nothing all that bad about Sin City. My comment is intended to apply to any combination of genders.). Just like someone might look for a spouse who is athletic or smart or has a certain sense of humor or earning power, it might be important that FutureSpouse has the skills to share a household with the in-laws. Arguments are by turns rewarding, arousing (in the physical arousal sense), angering, and anxiety-provoking. My own brain is like that. He easily sleeps 4 hours. OP, this is HIS issue, not yours. Tell him to get over himself. I have a friend now who Ill maybe mention that he is going to a business thing and he will badger me where is he? But I believe that talking it out in clear terms is step one, at least. We walk through various casinos and gawk. I wonder if there are other circumstances in which he exhibits similar behavior. You deserveit! And here we are, reading a letter from a woman concerned that her career will destroy her marriage because everyone told her husband so. Please whitelist our site to get all the best deals and offers from our partners. i went away for a few days for work, but had some cool stories to come home with. Hes a control freak who will beg, lie and manipulate every situation to get his way. Honestly, I just wasnt used to having someone worry about me. Youre five minutes late? The base issues came out to be general worrying about me travelling by myself (tons of catastrophic what if scenarios) and FOMO (shes having such a great time without me). If you bring consoling up, will he go? Nevertheless, couples therapy is ALSO necessary, because this is something that affects them as a couple and that they need to manage as a couple, even though the main onus is on him for managing his fears or whatever other issues he has. Thats pretty seriously delusional thinking. But regardless, he needs to respect the demands of her job and treat her like an adult. I do the same. rarely cede ground. I do think its a leap to assume the husbands anxiety is the kind you get in GAD, but basically the comments are full of armchair diagnoses and I was exasperated. I think its also quite possible that hes either misrepresented it to the people hes asked, misrepresented their responses to the OP, and/or hasnt actually asked as many people as hes said he has. I understand everyones points of view completely, just a couple questions and I apologize if theyve already been asked and answered 1) but is it possible that he go too 2) my spouse travels monthly, I hate it. Its actually better that way now for example, its now possible to eat a meal without hearing about keno. An emotionally distant husband may often seem indifferent or indecisive about decisions: Vacation destinations. Im familiar with the kind of irrational worst case scenario anxiety youre talking about. husband doesn t want to go on family vacationlifetime guest pass policy. As someone who also suffers from anxiety and irrational fears about my partners safety, this is such a kind response and vivid description of how (otherwise) reasonable people can become unreasonable. If my husband were on a trip to Vegas, Id be fine with it, but if he were going with his coworker, Id probably want to tag along. That hes asked several people for their opinion, and said opinions are I wouldnt let my spouse go to Vegas without me! I think this is a valid suspicion. People have stranger danger drilled into their heads, but woman are far more likely to be hurt/assaulted/murdered by a domestic partner or acquaintance. Wow, that is some really scummy manipulation. Next, things you can do. That sounds like you, AP but the LWs husband sounds like the former. In cases with a controlling spouse, marriage counseling is not recommended. Business trips are a normal fact of life in many jobs. Biking to work? Where is he staying. So we'd do 2 four- hr stretches with one long stop in btwn. If so, maybe its just a weird fixationbut if he often has nervous, fearful, or otherwise disproportionate reactions to things, it might be worth seeing if he can get some help with that. That doesnt mean I believe totally that hubby polled everybody and reports the results fairly, but it really doesnt have to be an indication that he ignored a local majority to find like-minded people. Im so glad to see this response here. Its the inappropriate (in typical American business culture) reaction of the husband thats the issue here, not whether its legitimate to try and get out of business trips sometimes. I say go for it! Just the past 2 weeks Ive taken a 3-day hiking trip, completely alone, and also a trail running workshop weekend with a group of other runners. I know Im a good driver, and that I can handle this, but every time you have these little worry fits you make me doubt myself. I read it as him being anxious and unreasonable. Im all for giving your loved ones the name of the hotel youre staying at and checking in on a nightly basis (Ive done it myself) but if hes being controlling and/or anxious, there may be no amount of information that will be enough to assuage him. There is no amount of structuring my life that would have kept me from feeling anxious. I thought his friends were objecting to his stance and would even let their spouses go. This is great, Anon Poster. Im going to start with a description, because people often ignore this anxiety is a horrible physical and mental state to be in. My legs were killing me and I my throat was sore :(! Vegas is changing a lot of its marketing these days to bill itself more as a family destination and/or more sophisticated and all that. Sure within reason. It doesnt seem like he has much ability to manage his own emotionshes unloading them on you to manage insteadand thats a skill all adults should learn, I think. Its not like people are forced at gunpoint to have sex with a rando when they deplane at McCarran. I only want to know if hes going to be out so that Im not expecting him and can therefore do something else. Back in the days of Usenet, this was called the lurkers support me in email, which just about sums it up. If I went home today and told my husband, My work is sending me on a business trip to Las Vegas in 3 months, this would be his response: Wow, honey, thats great! Please specify a reason for deleting this reply from the community. My husband has some mental health issues (and some life experiences) that make him prone to excessive worry when I travel for work, and in my last job, I traveled A LOT. I think its one of the things that makes our relationship so strong. OP this is the kind of thing Id bring up in therapy what you will do and what you will NOT do. She has thus far missed out on several family gatherings and her best friends wedding, because her husband could not get off time to go. I had no problem with it. But thats a separate issue. Or its an indication that they live in a different culture than the one you know. He called to tell me he won a bunch of money at Black Jack and was getting free drinks. Last I time I checked 2017 hadnt fully turned into The Handmaids Tale and women were allowed to travel for work without permission from their husband. The more I advance in my company, an the more trips I take, the harder it gets. If possible, Id suggest both individual and joint counseling. Vegas is one of the cheapest options with the best meeting facilities. Flying might be easier. Can you tell mewhat todo?Maya. not roll my eyes and whisper not this again when she does go off on a tangent.. It is ideally set up to host conferences. Since frankly the marriage is not healthy do not risk your career, which you need, for him. A week? The big issue is that hes being controlling and jealous in a really misogynist way, so Im not actually all that concerned with or sympathetic about notional anxiety issues at this point. She then decided to keep the baby's gender a secret until it was born. And thats all the sin city branding is too an advertising campaign to better separate certain demographics of travellers from their money, just like Disneys happiest place on earth branding is an advertising campaign to better separate a different demographic of travellers from their money. If this is anxiety, OCD, or any other disorder then therapy for himself is absolutely necessary. And it also sounds like this is unusual in their area, so its not a situation that he sees tons of people going through unruffled. My mom is the same way. Sure there used to be a lot of strip joints, etc., but now the most naked people are in the Cirque shows, and they just look naked. My wife has these same kinds of fears during my daily commute, let alone when I travel for business. Unless OP has a history of partying hard and getting black-out drunk (which doesnt seem to be the case), I think theres little to worry about here. (As a sidenote: my mom has been able to do with with my dad a few times when her travel schedule gets crazy. We stay at mid-level resorts and usually pay about $40 a night. The irony is, for business trips, Vegas is essentially Disney. And insanely good airline availability and inexpensive flights. She once had a fit that I was going to Target at 8:00 on a Wednesday. It has beautiful trails just minutes outside the city. I dont know if this is a sexist response from jealousy? Some people really arent used to being apart from their partners. My husband still asks sometimes if hes allowed to go do things, like go to the pub with his friends without me, and it irks me because even though I know hes joking I dont like that he even pretends that I am a stereotypical ball and chain. But truly, its a secondary concern here. Your argument is based on extremes. The kind of overwhelming, intrusive anxiety postulated here is still a control issue, 100%. I dont let him go on trips because we dont manage each others lives like that, but I do support his career and any travel that entails even if its stressful for me. Ill willingly concede that deglove describes something altogether horrible, but deplane is an idiotic, unnecessary, invented word. And it ignores other possible explanations. I question who he was talking to that would say they wouldnt let their spouses go. Im certain he is imagining some lawless back alley den of sin. You write that he is friendly but just doesn't like to socialize outside of the house. Try to stop expecting reasonable behaviour from your spouse when hes in this anxious state. Oooh, Ive heard of the mob museum. I go on frequent trips completely by myself, or with girlfriends, and he is not at all jealous/controlling (he doesnt love travel like I do which is why hes not going with, suits us fine).

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